Well that went down in a ball of flames!

So I have been offline for a while, a long while. There is a good reason for it. My relationship with The Man disintegrated.

Well actually it imploded because of personal reasons (and as much as I love the one or two people who stop by here I don’t know you very well and so don’t wanna share). But I never even saw it coming. So long story short the Mess Makers and I have relocated from the regional centre we were in to the local big smoke (city) and are just about to move into our own little home. The house is exceedingly small but it is also exceedingly cheap so I am happy with that. Right now the plan is to stay here for a year at least and get a decent reference behind me for my own rental history and then to move on from here.

One of the big bonuses of this house is that the back yard is HUGE in comparison to most of the other houses that I viewed AND I am allowed to paint the walls (trust me they need it!) so I should right now be painting Moody’s bedroom but I found out that there were more than a few holes that I missed on my last excursion through there and so I am now waiting for the spack filler to set before washing the walls to paint (joy!) but the heater is on and it’s pretty toasty in here. However Mischief and Mayhems room is done. They will be sharing for the foreseeable future.

This breakup has shown me a few things that I kind of knew but hadn’t thought about in a long time:

  1. That I have a really awesome family. As in ridiculously awesome. My Mum came down 2 days after the breakup (which considering I called her at 9pm hysterical on the phone the day it happened is amazing!) and helped me to pack the house, move the kids and our stuff. My step Dad was down at the end of that week with a huge truck to haul it all to their local storage place where it has been ever since. AMAZING!  My Dad and Step-mum have been supportive as well lending me an outrageous sum of money to help with bond and furniture and expenses as well as helping to cheer me up when I showed up at their house and went into hysterics for an hour or so.
  2. I am stronger than I thought I was. I had forgotten that I am perfectly capable of kicking ass and taking names in my own right over the last few years. I got so used to supporting The Man when he did it that I forgot that I could myself! He called it quits the night before my final assignment was due and had been staying away from the house for the previous week which was just before the previous assignment had been due. For the first one I got a credit and for the last one I passed, which considering the night before I had been in such a state and I wrote it all over those 2 days is a miracle! I also sat all 3 of my exams and I am pretty sure that I at the very least passed 2 of them (1 is still really anyone’s guess). I studied for those exams at my Mum’s dining room table while ignoring the very loud TV and living in one very small room while herding the Mess Makers who where all sharing another small room. I also meanwhile managed to secure a rental all on my own and to get the pieces of furniture that we needed including the gorgeous dining room table that I posted about on Instagram. We STILL need a couch, but I have priced them up and have plans to get them ASAP. My point is that over the last month I have pulled myself up by the bootstraps and gotten a fierce grip on life.
  3. The Man can kind of be an ass. Don’t get me wrong, he can also be a good guy, he has paid his child support on time (and currently is a month in advance because well, he just decided to pay a month in advance don’t ask me!) but he can also be really mean and cruel and dismissive. His latest trick is to call me a slut, which is just delightful considering that there is no grounds for it (I was entirely faithful throughout our entire relationship but apparently that doesn’t count for anything). But I have gotten to the stage where it is becoming less and less effective. I am less and less reactive to it and am beginning to see that it is just another word.

So where to from here? Well I am going to continue to be the Study mum. I’m not giving up on my studies. Fortunately Australia has a kick ass student loans program as well as a great pension system. Which I feel a little guilty about using but I know that if I stick this out not only will I need the system far less in future but I will be contributing far more to it through my taxes. But this means that I now officially get paid to study. So that is going to be my big deal.

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Of course the Mess Makers are top priority even above my study so I am looking at planning activities that I can do with them both at home and while we are out and about that they will remember. The first of which is a huge kids activity day which is like a local fair just for kids!! They have no idea that it is even happening yet but I have already stashed the tickets away for next month. Moody has said that he wants to try hip-hop classes and Mischief has always wanted to try ballet so those are my next projects to get off the ground.

I am also seeing this as a HUGE opportunity. You see The Man used to constantly say that I had to have EVERYTHING my way. That our house had to be my way, that our car had to be my way that the furniture that we purchased was my choice. But what he never understood is that I always took his wants thoughts and ideas into account. there are parts of our life together that I really didn’t like. So my big side project is going to be getting MY house to look exactly the way I want it to look. Not anyone else. I am going to get furniture that I love, that I can’t live without. Then I”m going to re-finish it the way I love it. I am going to paint pictures that I love and set things up my way. I am also going to start looking at dressing and doing my hair and makeup the way that I like because I want to feel beautiful in a way that is just for me! I am also starting to tick things off my bucket list. Starting with ice-skating. I want to learn some basic figure skating and how to move around the ice with confidence. Next on the list? I have no idea, but travel is rating really high right now.

I am not going to play innocent. The very first night after he left I did sign up to a dating service. And I kept it up for about a month. I even met up with someone from there. I also set up a couple of other coffee dates. But I have since shut that down and cancelled those dates.

By the way note to men: If a girl cancels a date stating that she isn’t in the right place at the moment and is going to have to just take a while to get herself in a better place the best response is not to call her names or be passive aggressive about it, that guarantees that once she is in said better place that you never even get a second glance, if however you react like a gentleman and take her at her word I can promise that she will be looking for you once she decides to re-join the land of the dating.

But for now as I said the idea of dating is scary and to be honest not a healthy idea for me. I realised that like I said above that The Man can be exceedingly charming and sweet, but he can also be a bit of an ass. There are things that have come to the surface of my mind since we separated that I had forgotten or pushed away from mind. Behaviours of his that are building one hell of a pattern. While I don’t think that I am perfect (far from in fact) I do know that I have approached every relationship I have ever had from a position of weakness. I was like a puppy trailing after the man in question if they said jump I said how high. Until I got sick of the game at which point I just stopped responding. Which is what happened here as well. I was so darned grateful that The Man even considered dating me! I mean HE PICKED ME!!! That I put up with allot of rubbish and then just stopped. By the time we got to Sydney I was done but I thought it was all my fault. Now I see that while I wasn’t helping myself he wasn’t either. My point is I don’t want to approach my relationships like that anymore. I want to feel like a man’s equal, not like I should be grateful that they threw me their scraps. To that end I am no longer prepared to accept the crap that I once was. So I am putting a moratorium on dating until I am in a healthier mindset about it. Until I am able to take or leave a relationship on it’s merits not out of fear that no-one else will want me. Although there is one guy with the most adorable British accent who is so tempting!!

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