That is the term that The Man used when he said that he was coming to our town to visit the kids. What I didn’t realise at the time is that the pleasure that he insinuated was the kids actually isn’t about them at all.
Or at least that is what I am thinking now. I just got done on the phone attempting to swap days that he has the car for the kids which he couldn’t accommodate which is fine. But he then asked if I could collect the kids early tomorrow, because he is mixing business with pleasure…. yup. He needs to get back to his hotel early, in time for dinner would be my guess seeing as he moved the pickup time from 5pm to 4:30pm. To top it off when I tried to counter with me dropping them off earlier to help me get everything done tomorrow he replied that he is mixing “business with pleasure” and so couldn’t be at his parents at 8:30 tomorrow. So seeing as the bankers here don’t do dinner meetings, or breakfast meetings I am wondering exactly WHY he suddenly needs to be back at the hotel… mmm.
I am probably over-reacting. The reason for the over-reaction is that he basically left me for another woman. Who he now swears black and blue that he is no longer seeing (romantically at least, he has admitted to seeing her once or twice a week on a “friendly” basis). Yet he needs to get back to the hotel early…. yeah. Not seeing her my ass. Sorry for the language. I absolutely wasn’t going to share personal details here, but no-one reads anyway and to be perfectly honest I am so beyond over him.
Actually that is a lie, if I was over him this wouldn’t have me spilling my guts to the internet. If I was over him then the idea of him sharing a hotel room with her wouldn’t have me so sad. But it does, and I am. It’s mixed in with a fair amount of rage and a huge dollop of contempt but the sadness is there. What I am over though is his bull-shit.
I keep trying to convince myself that I am doing the right thing staying single. That in the long-run I am working towards getting healthier, learning how not to make the same mistakes twice. I am aware that the last time I was single I spent the whole time fantasising about my NEXT partner. That I was looking for someone to rescue me, to SAVE me from my predicament. Thing is that the guy who rescued me has left me so much worse off. Then I OWNED my own house, and my mortgage was less than I currently pay in rent. I had a good paying job and was already enrolled in university – in fact if I had at least continued with that I would be just about done by now! Instead I am now a single mum of 3 with no job, no savings, no house no nothing!
The first step I think is realising that I don’t need to be SAVED. That I am more than capable of not just saving myself but of thriving. I am part way there. Intellectually I know that, but the panic that I feel sometimes is overwhelming. I am always worried. Always stressed. Always dreading what is around the next corner. I know this will wear off with time but the wait is exhausting.
In the meantime it just feels like salt in the wound that he has just moved on, like what we had was nothing. I know that it’s over and I know that he had moved on before we broke up, hence the girlfriend and the leaving me for her part. I do understand that given those circumstances we aren’t going to move at the same pace and that it was naive of me to actually believe that when he said he was done that he was… I feel like maybe there is something really wrong with me that I can’t seem to get a grip and move on.
So how long for this to pass? How long to get over analysing every call, feeling like he has stomped on my heart every time he pulls rubbish like this?