The things you learn

So this week is the first week of Semester 2.

So tomorrow after my ice-skating lesson I will be going down to Officeworks and grabbing fresh books and file dividers and so on. I am so excited. I have had a quick glance at the outlines for the units but I really need to go through today and have an in depth look at everything, it will have to wait until after the munchkins are in bed.

Outside of uni this weekend has been a revelation. I contacted an old acquaintance of mine and The Man’s a few weeks ago and we have chatted back and forth over the last couple of weeks. I met up with them on Saturday for what was supposed to be a coffee and a couple of hours of chatting. It turned into several hours of eye opening, shocking conversation about some really horrifying things that I just wasn’t prepared to hear. The Man over the years that we weren’t together, had obviously become someone that I just didn’t know. Of course all along I had assumed that he was more or less the same. But had attempted to work on becoming more mature the same as I have. Evidently not. All of this has really knocked me off balance yet again. I really don’t think it can get much worse.

Allot of what I was told directly involves me, or sheds new light on things that happened while we were together this time – one of the biggest being that he lied about me and told people that when we were together as teenagers I had beaten him unconscious (which is impossible as I have weak wrists – and at that stage they were even weaker than they are now, I am not capable of beating someone unconscious. Not only that but I have no idea when this is supposed to have happened because there is no point where he would have had time to be beaten – specifically he said that I punched him in the face and head, and then heal whatever injuries he would have sustained without anyone seeing him), this time around we have always joked that when he went through a phase of injuring himself repeatedly that the nurses and doctors started giving me the side eye. Now I can’t help but wonder if he was lying to them about how he injured himself, or if not outright lying insinuating through looks and pauses that the real story that he was telling was a fabrication and that there was more to it (he is a good actor – always has been). Especially seeing as none of those injuries in any way involved me. The reason this is such a big deal to me is that I know that I have a temper and I have worked really hard over the years to control it. It is a big source of shame for me.

It’s like a cyclone has just wandered through the landscape of my life and thrown everything in the air and scrambled it.

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I’m not just taking this one person’s word for it that what was said actually happened. I am going to attempt to verify it, but needless to say I feel like I have been living with a stranger for 7.5 years. Worse I know for a fact that if I had known half of what I have been told that I wouldn’t have even thought about dating him, let alone marrying him!

But all of this has served one big purpose for me. I have spent the last few weeks and months attempting to figure out what what I did wrong. What was it about me that caused him to stop loving me. Turns out that while I am more than aware that I have allot of self work to do. This isn’t my fault. It’s not my fault that he is who he is. That the cruelty and malice that he has FINALLY been showing these last few months has been there all along. There is only a finite amount of time that a person can hide who they are and he finally started to show his true colours. I have seen glimpses over the years but he always managed to brush them over. His issues are not my fault.

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Meanwhile, I am more than aware that I have some things that I need to work on:

  • First and foremost I am not Cinderella, or Ariel or Snow White. I don’t need to be rescued. I am fully capable of rescuing myself.
  • I need to work on not falling into bad habits while in a relationship
    • I got lazy – I stopped putting in the effort. You get out what you put in and I had stopped putting into the relationship.
    • I expected him to fulfil me – no one can fill your emotional cup for you. That is your own responsibility.
    • If you want something ask – You won’t always get the answer you want but hinting and behaving like a prima donna doesn’t work.
    • To keep my grossness to myself. Basic keeping a bit of mystery within the relationship. I became far too comfortable with the idea that he was there forever and allowed allot of the mystery to seep out.
  • I need to learn that I am complete in and of myself. My children do not complete me, a husband won’t complete me, friends don’t complete me. I have spent so much time running from the idea that I should complete myself, I wanted the fairy tale. The happily ever after, the other half of me, but I need to teach myself that the only way I will get that happily ever after is if I am happy to be alone OR with someone. But what I never want to feel again is that I am alone when I am with someone.

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So while it has been traumatic it has also been really healing. Or at least it will be in the end. I can’t wait to see what is around the corner.

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