Since The Tinman left in May of last year (9 months ago roughly) I have to admit that while I have kept a majority of my complaints off this page and off social media I haven’t been so contained when it comes to family and close friends. There have been allot of crappy things happening and I have done a whole lot of venting about those crappy things. At first it made me feel better because at least then I didn’t feel quite so crazy, it was almost like just getting the poison out helped. Then it meant that I didn’t feel as stupid, knowing that my family didn’t see allot of what was now happening coming meant that I could be forgiven for not seeing it either.
Now it just makes me ache.
I was talking to my Little Sis 1 today and the topic turned to The Tinman and his behaviour and I realised that talking about it just made me feel icky. So I have made a decision that I’m just not going to talk about it anymore. All that talking about it is doing is bringing it to the forefront of my mind again and again. It is exhausting especially as the longer this behaviour goes on the more I have been finding it stressing me out. To the point that just thinking about it makes my heart ache. Lil Sis said that I need to stop allowing each and every instance of his bad behaviour affect me so much, that I need to let it go, and I know that she didn’t understand when I told her that it’s very hard to let go when Mayhem’s only message for his father for the last 2 calls running has been “I love you Daddy” and there hasn’t been even a flicker of response. Hearing your 4 year old say that over and over to someone who just seems to not give a damn is heartbreaking. But I have to admit she is right. Every time I gear up for one of those calls I get that crushing pain in my chest (yes actual physical pain) and it becomes hard to breathe. Even just talking about (or writing about) it causes the same reaction, I sweat and find that I feel like I am underwater breathing through a straw. I need to find a way to let this go and to get over it.
So I am going to stop whining. I am going to stop bringing up his crappy behaviour. I am going to find a way to vent this poison that I can feel building up inside of me because I am done. I can’t tolerate it any more. I don’t have time to be dwelling on the mess that he is creating.