I am considering writing this on the bottom of a monthly update about the kids that I send to him in jail:
I have avoided addressing you personally in these updates. Mainly because I have no desire to actually engage with you. For the most part I write these updates for myself, you just happen to get a copy. But I wanted to make something clear to you that these updates don’t.
These children are growing up. Right before my eyes they are transforming. They are developing their own opinions and beliefs and thoughts. They are beautiful, and funny and smart and sweet with a little bit of snark and sass thrown in for good measure. And you are MISSING IT. By CHOICE you are missing it! You are choosing to not have them in your life, to not talk to them to not engage with them.
Over the last 3 years I have watched you push them away. Ignore them. Act like they don’t exist. I don’t know why because all they have ever done is love you. The hardest thing I do/have done is watch their faces fall as your voicemail picked up yet another call, hearing them cry about why you didn’t write, why they can’t call you, why don’t you call them. The only thing about you that raises anything in me is your disowning of your own children. They deserve better than this, they deserve a father who gives a damn, one who cares enough to spend 5 minutes a week writing them a bloody letter or giving them a call (or let’s get REALLY WILD how about BOTH!). Such a small investment for you that would make such a huge difference to them.
I understand that you are in jail, but I am not asking you to move mountains, or to do anything crazy, 1 letter each, 1 phone call a week. That’s it. Your mother is clinging to the idea that the reason why you aren’t participating is that you are ashamed of yourself, you don’t want to expose them to the jail or some other nonsense. I would want to believe that too, but we both know it’s a lie. Just like everything else you have said in the past 3 years. You were avoiding them a LONG time before you went in, a LONG time before you even did that stupid thing that got you locked up. I just don’t understand why? I don’t even want you to answer that question for me, but perhaps you should answer it for yourself and really consider if it is worth it.
But the more important part, that you don’t see yet is that by the time you get out of jail Mischief is going to be a young lady, she will be 14. We were 15 when we met. She will hopefully be snarky and smart and I already know that she is going to be beautiful. She is already a force to be reckoned with. Mayhem will be close behind at almost 13. Starting the teenaged rebellion, he already knows his mind, he is already steadfast and smarter than just about everyone in the room. He reminds me of all of your best qualities. At those ages they won’t be anything like the 3 and 4 year olds that you left behind a few years ago. And Moody? Well he will be an adult, or near enough to. They won’t just blindly accept you because you said so. They won’t want to spend time with you unless you invest in them NOW.
But something you need to know? The updates that I send? The offers for you to rebuild your relationship with them and bringing them to visit… I am not doing any of that for YOU, I do not give a damn if you sink or swim, live or die. I do it for them. THEY are my focus, they want to know that you know them, so I keep you updated on the little things in their lives. They want to visit, they want to hear from you. Once they get to be teenagers, the second the realise what a complete asshole you are being and they turn their backs… I will stop, because this isn’t for you. I won’t be helping you to bond with them once you get out. I won’t insist that they visit with the man that they don’t know except for old photos in an album and a couple of letters that I saved for them. Because it will still be all about THEM and what they want. So figure out whatever you need to and pull your finger out of your ass and contact your kids. Or don’t. But they won’t wait forever.