Jealousy

Jealousy and Envy are two things that I have been REALLY struggling with recently. It can be really difficult to keep in mind that we all run our own race, that we are all here to live our own lives and that no one way is better than another.

Today I am babysitting my sisters munchkins. They adore their cousins and my kids adore them and I think they are the most precious little people I have ever met excluding my own darlings of course. The reason for the babysitting is that my sister and her husband have just bought themselves a house together. I am currently sitting at their dining table, while they are back at their old rental cleaning and prepping to move out.

I KNOW she has had to fight really hard for this house, and that she has had to work her ass off and that her husband has too… but my heart is still turning a really ugly shade of green. All I want is a house of my own for myself and my kids.

The house is really lovely, the “worst house on the best street” and I can see why in that the last owner neglected allot of things. They are a few weeks into living here and I can SEE all of the work that they have put into it. But I can also see how awesome it is. They have painted and decorated each of their kids rooms in their own colour scheme and the kids have each got their own furniture and decor. The rooms are GORGEOUS. Their backyard is enormous and will be a haven once they have it all cleared out and put together. All in all the house has great bones.

Meanwhile my kids and I are renting from my other sister. I couldn’t buy a house if I wanted too let alone a house as lovely as this one. I know it’s ugly to be jealous. I know it is petty and ridiculous. But I just cannot seem to shake the feeling of just petty envy.
Once upon a time I had my own success. I worked hard, had my own house, had a “good” husband (at least to the outside world, he cleaned up nice and was polite and personable). I had money and kids and I was young and pretty. Now I feel like I am working against the tide trying to just scrape some of those things back. It really at this stage FEELS like an uphill battle that I am fighting on my own and while I know it will make me stronger it can be so damned hard not to throw myself on the floor and pout and whine about “why me?” Why does this have to be so damned hard for ME!?

Which then brings me back to some people have it MUCH harder. Insanely harder than I do. They have health issues, their kids have health issues, they are living below the poverty line they have an Ex who can stalk them and who does, they have an Ex who is trying to take their children away or they have an Ex who plays games through the court system. I don’t have to deal with any of that rubbish. Some times I forget that. Sometimes I forget that my pain such as it is isn’t unique. That being a single mother is not unique (15% of families in Australia are single parent families) working and going to uni isn’t unique, not having the money to buy a house is not unique, not having the money to buy a new car is not unique. Like I am not at all uniquely disadvantaged. In fact I am very privileged. I have a job, I am able to get a further education and in fact my job feeds into that education and I am able to meet both aspects. I am privileged to have 3 healthy kids and the time to write here. I am privileged to have my own health for the most part aside from the bits that I have pissed away through silliness or eating FAR TOO MUCH. I am beyond lucky. It can just sometimes be hard being the least successful of your siblings. It’s not a position that I have been in before and it’s not one that I like to be honest.

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