This Monday I was wandering through the local shop with the kids. It was MUCH later than normal but between TAFE work and procrastination I hadn’t gotten dinner yet. I looked like hell because I had been busy all day and planning on working out since that morning so I hadn’t showered, hadn’t washed my hair, hadn’t put on makeup… I looked like hell.
So the last update that I did was months ago, lots of things have changed in that time some of it great, some of it interesting, some of it not so good. But mostly it’s just life. Continue reading
I can’t remember if I wrote about the last time Tinman came for a visit with the kids? I have no idea actually. But as per usual he was his normal charming self. Continue reading
We officially have a new normal. I can’t believe it has taken this long for me to feel “normal”.
I can’t say that I have dated much as a single mum. The first time I became a single mum I pretty much lived as a hermit, I met my first boyfriend at work and then about a year after that finished I met Tinman again at a funeral of a mutual friend. This time around I have been a bit more proactive but not by much. I have signed up to a couple of dating sites (I actually signed up to the first one the same night he walked out, in an attempt to reassure myself that there were decent men out there…. I am almost entirely sure that was a mistake!) and have had some interest thrown my way but I have just found that throughout this first year I am just not interested, or rather no-one has had me interested enough to get past the first date. Continue reading
It is amazing how much change a year can make. Have you ever really looked at it? You notice a year pass when you have small kids because they change so much from one year to the next, they go from being a newborn to a toddler in a year (give or take). That’s huge. But once you get to be an adult years pass one much like the previous, your wrinkles get a little deeper, your hair a little more grey (unless of course you are like me and dye it religiously). Rarely does a single year make such a huge impact in your life. I mean it takes years to do the major things, buy a house, build a career, get a degree, save for a big holiday (or is that just a me thing?) A little over a year ago my whole world imploded.
Since The Tinman left in May of last year (9 months ago roughly) I have to admit that while I have kept a majority of my complaints off this page and off social media I haven’t been so contained when it comes to family and close friends. There have been allot of crappy things happening and I have done a whole lot of venting about those crappy things. At first it made me feel better because at least then I didn’t feel quite so crazy, it was almost like just getting the poison out helped. Then it meant that I didn’t feel as stupid, knowing that my family didn’t see allot of what was now happening coming meant that I could be forgiven for not seeing it either.
Now it just makes me ache.
I was talking to my Little Sis 1 today and the topic turned to The Tinman and his behaviour and I realised that talking about it just made me feel icky. So I have made a decision that I’m just not going to talk about it anymore. All that talking about it is doing is bringing it to the forefront of my mind again and again. It is exhausting especially as the longer this behaviour goes on the more I have been finding it stressing me out. To the point that just thinking about it makes my heart ache. Lil Sis said that I need to stop allowing each and every instance of his bad behaviour affect me so much, that I need to let it go, and I know that she didn’t understand when I told her that it’s very hard to let go when Mayhem’s only message for his father for the last 2 calls running has been “I love you Daddy” and there hasn’t been even a flicker of response. Hearing your 4 year old say that over and over to someone who just seems to not give a damn is heartbreaking. But I have to admit she is right. Every time I gear up for one of those calls I get that crushing pain in my chest (yes actual physical pain) and it becomes hard to breathe. Even just talking about (or writing about) it causes the same reaction, I sweat and find that I feel like I am underwater breathing through a straw. I need to find a way to let this go and to get over it.
So I am going to stop whining. I am going to stop bringing up his crappy behaviour. I am going to find a way to vent this poison that I can feel building up inside of me because I am done. I can’t tolerate it any more. I don’t have time to be dwelling on the mess that he is creating.